Conflict of Interest
by Open Casket Ceremony
Summary: Hitsugaya knew, from the very moment that Ichigo whisked him from the comforts of his office off to the beach, that it was going to be a VERY bad day. IchiHitsu, oneshot. T for sexual implications.


Author's Note: Hello! I'm back with another fic, I s'pose. This one, unlike my other ones, is going to be a little lighter and more humorous. At least, I'll try to make it more humorous. I went to the beach the other day and got the inspiration for this one-shot from there. Hopefully it won't turn out too horrendous! As usual, read and review, and thank you all very much.

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"...Tell me again how in the blue hell I got talked into this."

Those were the sour words that came from the dully pouting lips of Hitsugaya Toshiro, which did not, at all, match the brilliantly sunny day it was off at the beach, where he currently was. A sun parasol under one arm and a rolled towel under the other, he wasn't quite sure what the hell he was doing in the real world. At the beach. With Kurosaki Ichigo.

Just a few hours ago, he had been contently filling out paperwork, tucked safely away in his office, nice and comfortable as the room was rapidly filled with nice, icy reiatsu. It had been another blazing hot summer day, and, unfortunately, such days with such hot weather made the tenth-division office a very popular destination for soul reapers from all over the Seireitei.

One by one, his subordinates had started to come in, with lame excuses that they wanted to keep their captain company as he did the administrative work, or that they had wanted to drop by and say hello.

Eventually, people from other divisions began filing in as well, including some which the very annoyed Hitsugaya had not ever even seen before in his entire life. All sorts of petty comments were thrown back and forth, and no matter how much Hitsugaya shouted, no one was willing to leave his office, which was becoming more and more crowded by the minute.

As if that wasn't bad enough, Hitsugaya darkly made note that the vast majority of those who dared to intrude in his office were males. It's a known fact that many members of the male race are sloppy, boorish, and unruly - which did not sit well with Hitsugaya, who happened to be a rare breed of the male neat freak. His poor office was lying in near ruins in under an hour.

Because, on a hot summer day, the mindset of the daring male was as follows: The tenth division was _the_ place to be, because not only do you get the best air conditioning around, but you also get to be near the prettiest little captain around.

And they just kept coming in, one by one, each with a brief, sometimes flirtatious greeting that made their intent to stay, and stay for a _long _time very clear, so long as his cold reiatsu was around. Was there no end?

"You're looking _very _pretty today, Hitsugaya-taichou! Mind if I stay for a little?"

"Hello, Hitsugaya-taichou. I thought you might need some company today, so I came by..."

"It's really hot outside...but not as hot as you, I think - oops, did I say that out loud? Well, if you don't mind, I'm going to have a seat."

"Hitsugaya-taichou, you look so lonely! Perhaps I should just come in and enjoy the cold air - I mean, your presence."

Defeated, the unhappy captain resigned himself to continue on with his paperwork while a dumpster was made of his office. He was seriously considering just reigning in his reiatsu - that would give them something to whine about. But then he would overheat as well, and with so much paperwork to do, just getting up and leaving would not be an option.

He had also considered unleashing Hyourinmaru on all of them, but that would not sit well with Central 46. He had been rash enough to do it the previous year after his temper had gotten the better of him, and he had gotten his petite little rear plopped down in the detention center for a full week.

Looks like he was going to be trapped here for quite some time. Might as well get used to it.

He heard the door open. Great. Another shinigami had come in, undoubtedly to enjoy his reiatsu. He vaguely wondered what kind of a lame greeting would be tossed carelessly in his direction now.

What met his ears was unexpected.

"I'm here to take you away from here, Toshiro!" came the voice, like a noble knight about to rescue a damsel in distress from the clutches of evil.

Only one person would ever dare address him in that way.

"Kurosaki!" Hitsugaya snarled, looking up from his paperwork, his eyes set on a frosty glare cold enough to freeze hell over. The newly arrived Ichigo, however, seemed unfazed as he took the glare for some kind of approving greeting, and he responded by flashing a bright smile.

"Hi, Toshiro."

"I pray you are not as stupid as you look and can realize that there is _no _room for you in my office," Hitsugaya answered coldly.

"I know," the strawberry replied calmly, "I didn't say I was staying. I said I was taking you away, remember?."

"Away? Away to where, you idiotic-"

The scolding captain was cut off as, without so much as a please or thank you, the substitute shinigami picked him up by the waist and slung him over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, one hand on the pint-sized prodigy's back and the other on his rear end, as the horrified shinigami in the room watched with stunned and schocked silence.

At that moment, the usually calm and collected tenth-division taichou completely lost his composure - and his patience.

"Put me down _at once_, you pervert!" he screeched, flailing about like a fish out of water and pounding at Ichigo's back with his small fists, kicking his legs madly. "Release me! I demand that you put me down right this instant! You uncultured oaf! Let go!"

His struggles were to no avail as Ichigo calmly strolled out the door, the shrieking captain in tow, as if nothing was happening.

And after a series of fits on Hitsugaya's part, they had somehow ended up here, on the beach. Ichigo in a T-Shirt and swim trunks, and Hitsugaya in a black tank top and shorts that were a little too short and a little too tight for his liking - clothes that had belonged to Ichigo's tomboyish little sister that he had somehow had been cajoled into wearing.

Being the conservative type who didn't take well to showing his body in any way, Hitsugaya was mildly shocked and taken aback at all the people strolling across the sand in skimpy bathing suits - such attire belonged only in a bedroom!

"What is this place?" Hitsugaya demanded, giving the cheerful Ichigo an unsavory glare, "What kind of a disgusting brothel have you taken me to?" This _was _a brothel, wasn't it? Where else would there be so many scantily clad people walking around as if nothing was happening? Oh god, Ichigo wasn't about to sell him off, was he? What was going on?

"Brothel?" Ichigo repeated. He laughed.

"Toshiro, this is the beach. What, do you think people are going to go swimming in their nice clothes?"

"What?"

"It's fine," the strawberry insisted firmly, and as if to prove his point, proceeded to freely and carelessly stripping off his shirt, tossing it casually aside into the sand.

Hitsugaya dropped his things, his hands shooting to his face to cover his eyes, his cheeks hot with a dark blush. What the hell was going on? Was Ichigo trying to make a move on him or something? Was he about to be deflowered?

_Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Kurosaki, not you too...! I always trusted you! Why the hell would you do this to me, you fiend!? Somebody help me! I'm a virgin, for god's sake, and this man is **not** taking anything from me today! _

"...Toshiro, what are you doing?"

"I think the question is, what are _you _doing?" Hitsugaya demanded heatedly, his hands still firmly covering his eyes. "Put your shirt back on this instant, or so help me, there will be hell to pay."

Ichigo stared at him dumbly.

"Relax, I'm not trying to do anything weird to you."

"Then what are you doing?"

"...I was going to go for a swim. Jesus, don't be so wound up, will you? You can take your hands away now."

Hitsugaya didn't move.

"What the heck is wrong with you, Toshiro? We're at the beach! You're supposed to have fun here!"

"Fun?" Hitsugaya repeated incredulously, "This is your idea of fun, Kurosaki? This scandalous sex center!? I will have _nothing_ to do with this!"

With a frown, Ichigo took Hitsugaya's wrists and pulled them away from his face, only to discover that the emerald eyes were still squeezed tightly shut. "You're so old-fashioned, Toshiro. It's 2009! And we're at the freaking beach! Loosen up, will you?"

Hitsugaya shook his head.

The strawberry let out a long sigh before deciding to pull his ace out of his sleeve.

"Oh my god! Look, Toshiro! An Espada!"

The icy eyes shot open.

"Gotcha!"

The expression of panic in Hitsugaya's eyes upon finding himself face-to-face with a only half-clothed Ichigo soon gave way to fury as he dealt the strawberry a fierce blow to the back of his orange-haired head.

"You imbecile!" he shouted, annoyed at having fallen for such an obvious trick. "Don't you dare do that ever again!"

He then knelt, seizing his towel off of the ground and wrapping it firmly around his waist, intent on covering his legs that had been revealed to the world, thanks to those awful girl's shorts Ichigo had talked him into wearing.

"Hey, don't do that!"

"Do what?"

"Cover yourself up! There's nothing to worry about!"

With a flourish, Ichigo seized the end of the towel, whipping it into the air. "There," he beamed, "Much better. Now you can have fun."

Enraged, Hitsugaya tried to snatch the towel back, but the strawberry held it high above his head, gleefully dancing out of reach.

"God damn you, Kurosaki!" he shouted, "You're the one who made me wear these god-awful pants!"

"But Toshiro, you have such pretty legs," Ichigo teased, "What's the point of wearing those shorts if you're not going to flaunt what you've got?"

"As if it was even my choice!"

At this point, Hitsugaya was aware of the fact that several seedy-looking guys standing some several feet away were eyeing his rear end, and he did _not _like that at all. "Kurosaki, you give that back to me!" he snarled, before adding in a somewhat quieter voice, "People are looking at me!"

"Don't be shy, it's all part of being at the beach," the strawberry snickered, "You gotta show a little skin here and there, okay?"

"Screw that! I want that towel!" the fuming captain retorted.

"No can do," Ichigo answered gleefully, "I need it. I'm going to take a dip in the ocean real fast. You just stay here and calm down, okay?" With a nonchalant wave, he strolled off towards the blue waves.

"Kurosaki, don't leave me here by myself!" Hitsugaya whimpered pitifully, watching in dismay as Ichigo's retreating back got further and further away.

"You'll be fine! Nothing bad's going to happen!"

With a scowl, Hitsugaya grudgingly sat his rear down into the sand, crossing his arms unhappily over his chest. There was nothing to do but wait until Ichigo returned. For now, he would have to be content to occupy himself with a popsicle, one of the many that Ichigo had brought along in a cheery red icebox. At least the presence of something cold would make him feel a little bit better. He unwrapped one of the sticks of flavored ice, giving it a cautious lick. It wasn't bad. He gave it another lick, then putting the tip into his mouth whilst contently sucking on the ice-cold dessert, running his tongue across its surface. At least one thing in this goddamned beach place was alright. At least, he thought it was. The innocent little mind was unaware to just how...suggestive his snacking appeared to many of his fellow beach bums.

Although he didn't notice this, others _did._ So he was fairly confused when several males standing around him made mad dashes off to the bathroom, clutching their nether-regions and their bleeding noses while wiping the dripping saliva from their mouths frantically.

Shrugging it off, Hitsugaya continued to innocently enjoy his snack.

The brief moment of relief did not last long, however. He soon felt a hand on his shoulder, and, annoyed at whoever dared interrupt his popsicle-eating session.

Turning his head over his shoulder to give whoever this was one of his trademark death glares, he was confused to see the group of "seedy-looking guys" who had been looking at his rear end that he had taken note of earlier, one of them whose hand was resting casually on his shoulder. What could they possibly want with him? Whatever it was, Hitsugaya did not care to entertain them and merely glared, still clutching his popsicle defensively. Perhaps they wanted to steal his little piece of confectionary heaven.

"Hey, kid," the one whose hand was uncomfortably on his shoulder drawled, "Looks like you're really _enjoying _that popsicle."

"And what if I am?" Hitsugaya demanded.

The grip on his shoulder tightened slightly.

"You're not from around here, are you? Foreigners are hot."

The prodigy stiffened, still holding tightly onto his precious popsicle. "You can't have my popsicle, in case you were wondering," he announced, although he wasn't sure if that was what they were after anymore, "It's mine."

"Nah, we don't want your popsicle," the guy answered, "We want something...else. Something that the popsicle's getting."

Hitsugaya stared at him blankly.

"Is that so?" he asked, taking a bite from the popsicle.

"Yep."

"I see," the petite captain answered coldly. "Well, go ahead and have it."

He turned, and bit down - hard - on the hand that was still on his shoulder.

The male screamed, withdrawing his hand immediately, nursing his rapidly swelling appendage, looking at Hitsugaya with a wide-eyed expression of what seemed like shock and horror - Hitsugaya didn't know which. But he immediately knew that he hadn't made a very wise decision.

"You...you little bitch!"

"Take the popsicle, too, you pervert!" Hitsugaya shouted, flinging the half-eaten dessert at the offending male's face, getting up and preparing to bolt. He, however, was not getting very far as he felt several pairs of hands grabbing him by the back of the shirt and dragging him unceremoniously back into the sand.

"Let go of me, you creeps!" he yelped, flailing around, but to no avail.

"Sit _still_, you little brat!"

He felt hands grabbing at his clothes, and he became frantic, throwing a fit whilst kicking and screaming, although his screams didn't carry very far - a disgusting-smelling hand clamped down over his mouth, silencing the wide-eyed and _very _freaked out captain. What the hell? He hadn't even been at this godforsaken place for an hour, and he was already being assaulted by a group of perverts! Oh god, this really was some kind of freakish, messed up brothel wasn't it? Where the hell was Ichigo?

A pair of lips came smashing down upon his own - a _disgusting_, slimy feeling with a taste of alcohol. He made a muffled sound of protest, kicking and struggling, determined to free himself from the grips of his captors.

"Get the hell away from him!"

There was the sound of a fist colliding with a face. And then suddenly, his lips were free - ah, yes, he could breathe in the sweet air! The hands that had been grabbing at his body and clothes had withdrawn, too, enough for Hitsugaya to scramble to his feet, trying to dust the sand off of himself and straighten his rumpled garments.

"Kurosaki...?"

Ichigo had arrived on the scene, an angry look on his face and his arms crossed over his chest in a bona-fide superhero stance.

"God damn it, I swear, the world is just crawling with horny losers like you guys!" he scolded like a mother lecturing a naughty child, "Just 'cause you can't get some, doesn't mean you can go all pervy on any pretty kid you see! And in a public place, too! You should be ashamed, all of you!"

The group grudgingly slunk away like defeated dogs with their tails between their legs.

"You alright, Toshiro?" Ichigo inquired, turning to the scowling young prodigy.

"What do you think?" Hitsugaya snapped, his hands on his hips, responding with the usual sarcastic bite, "I just got attacked by a bunch of perverts, mind you, but other than that, I'm just fine and dandy!"

"Well, if you're not hurt, then that's good," Ichigo grinned. He reached out and grabbed Hitsugaya by the hand. "C'mon, let's go to the water. I'm going to teach you how to swim, okay?"

"No! I can't!" Hitsugaya snarled, "I'm in these clothes! And I didn't bring a skimpy bathing suit, because I, unlike you, have morals, and I do _not_ prance around in the presence of the public half-dressed like some kind of barbarian!"

"If you don't have a swimsuit...then I guess you'll just have to get into the water naked."

**"...KUROSAKI!!!"**

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THE END!


End file.
